What’s on the menu when mothers of little kids get out on their own? Well, it’s wine. I know. And you know I know you know.
Look do you want me to tell you we went for the finest omakase and accompanying organic sake flight, followed by a private lesson from an Alsatian chef in how to make the perfect tarte flambé? Or we eschewed food all together and just discussed virtue signaling and Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations on the steps of the public library? Or heard an improving talk on our vanishing wetlands from a local expert, or watched Rashomon on blu-ray, or some other activity, the description of which involves italics? Maybe sometimes. We’re not complete heathens.
But usually, there is a bunch of wine and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s out of my hands. It’s like this answer I once got from a local liquor store – er, wine shoppe – owner, when I asked him what to buy for my friend if she liked drinking Kris, an inexpensive Pinot Grigio:
“If she likes Kris, then just get her the fucking Kris.”
Sage words. Below, a one-sided account of what really happens when moms stop being polite. And start getting, you know, drunk.
Based on true events.
Foxwoods is perfect. No, it’s good. It’s practical, actually. It’s got everything. Spa. Dinner. Hotel. No kids.
Remember that first mom’s group at that place?
Isis Motherhood? It closed, right?
Tell them there is no reception in the casino. They are built that way on purpose. They are trying to make you delusional. It’s fine.
We can talk. Really talk for once.
No. Not even the Monopoly slots.
Just put on the robe, nobody is looking at you. Yes, I brought my own flip-flops.
I just didn’t want to deal with wearing a bathing suit. I should have brought a suit, shit. Ugh, all right. I didn’t shave. I know nobody is looking at me.
Is this Athleta? You just leave it in the cart. Eventually they’ll send you a coupon.
I just repacked the diaper bag. Well, I guess I missed some stuff. You always need wipes.
I’m just going to wear pants. It’s kind of like, I know I’m at Foxwoods, I’m not going to get too excited about it. Heels though. They’re high. Jesus. J. Crew.
The prosecco is still kind of warm. Don’t bother, I don’t care. Those Cheddar Bunnies are very old. One bottle between four people? Is nothing.
It’s five o’clock and we’re not making mac and cheese while someone cries! Whose phone is that?
Seriously? Did he look in the dishwasher?
Just get a bunch of appetizers and we’ll share. Different stuff. Edamame. Summer rolls.
Don’t answer it!
I don’t care. I don’t want Merlot obviously. I like Pinot Noir. That’s light, right?
Did he look in the cabinet? Behind the other things that are also in the cabinet?
Look at these dads at the next table. Oh, come on, they are clearly dads. Are they looking at us? What are you looking at? Don’t look at us!
Oh, you’re forty? Oh, happy birthday, that’s so great. Oh you got away from the kids? Hahahaha us too. Oh, look here’s our food! OK! Have fun!
Just get another bottle, it’s so light.
Wait. What are they saying? The dads. I can hear them talking to the host. Just be quiet a second, let me listen. Shut up shut up.
They are getting VIP passes to the nightclub. The nightclub! At Foxwoods! VIPs! It’s a nightclub in a casino. In Connecticut! I mean, calm down.
We should go though, right? No, I’m serious. Where’s the guy?
They were going to ask us, I swear. Yes, we are!
Let’s just get another glass before we leave. I’ve just had the two. And the champagne. That was tiny, though.
I mean, it’s a finite space. It’s a box. Look in the box. Look all around the big cold box.
It can’t have slipped out the back. Narnia is not behind the refrigerator.
I know, but you can’t go have a drink somewhere? While not standing at the stove making whatever? Mac and cheese! That’s right!
Talk? I’ve been talking all day!
What is she supposed to do, Jason? Fax you a map of the laundry room?
Girls get in free? We are so!
Has he checked Tim Ferriss’s blog? Not there either? Are you sure?
Come stand here by the ropes out of the way. Oh my God I love this song. I DO KNOW IT! I know songs. She’s the one with the boyfriend, the Kennedy
Nobody saw that right? I totally spilled my drink all over my pants. I am NOT! It’s just I
I just stumbled because these shoes are so high
She went to get me another one. She’s awesome
Look behind you. Don’t be so obvious!
The lady behind you has her skirt tucked into her underwear. IN HER UNDERWEAR!
The BOTTOM of the skirt tucked into the TOP of the underpants! On purpose! Just look! Don’t be so obvious!
I think half of New Jersey is here. All of Rhode Island, then.
She’ll be back, relax! Where could she go? Big box
Jason, if you were a three-year-old and YOU were his dad, where would you be hiding? I am not yelling at you!
Shit, I got it on my bag now. It’s
I’ll give her back her phone when I say so don’t worry about it
Turn around turn around I don’t think they saw us
Yeah well Jason call them THAT IS WHAT WE PAY TAXES FOR
LOOK AT HER! UNDERPANTS! I can see them. Why
Can’t even for FIVE MINUTES!
Hey you! Get a room! They didn’t
Do what I do I’m just holding on to this thing with the rope this pole this attachment
You’re not getting anywhere with those underpants I’ll tell you that for nothing
YOU don’t even!
Whoops! No, I’ve got it
DON’T LOOK AT US
Where is Andrea? She what? She’s fine WHAT?
Ah hahaha I caught it! Didn’t do it
Should I – oh no
I’m ok no I am
Oh shit I
No one saw that, did they? No. I don’t think.
No ma’am thank you for your help but I did not fall down I am not
I have to what?
But the underwear can stay? Look at her – thing!
Listen to her
Andrea? She’s gone
So bright out here
It’s my shoes. I fell OK, because of my shoes, they are very high very unstable I am not
It’s the shoes! Ask this one
OK, I understand. Thank you for your service
What time is? Check your phone 10:45! We did it!
See, he went to play in that closet he loves that place it’s fine!
Is that it then?
Good night, Mohegan! Or whatever
We can go back no? no
Can I have one of those cheddar NOPE
Can I have a wipe